Growing up I actually had low-grade depression and self-esteem issues. Despite not being able to “label” them as such, they most certainly played a role in my life. And the mix of them, my household environment, certain life events and then the onset of my cycle set the stage for things I was completely unaware of that would happen. Along with the hormonal challenges and depression, feeling misunderstood has been a running theme in my life, as well as struggling with anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and like I didn’t belong, anger and tension and aggressive behaviours. Looking back on all of it, I have tried to figure out what was the root cause of the issues I was going through. Was it my imbalanced hormones that led to my depression? Was it the circumstances that led to my depression? Was it my depression that caused my struggle in my cycle and with my hormones? Was it all just due to diet and how I had food intolerance’s I was unaware of? I now believe there is a better way of looking at things: everything is interconnected. We cannot separate our bodies from our minds, our minds from our souls, or our souls from our bodies. If you try to separate one from the others you’re not left with much: a lifeless body…unhuman…dead. What we consume, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, all matters and they all affect each other.
I can now look back and see more clearly how interconnected things truly were, and still are. I was eating food my body was sensitive to, which led my body to respond in numerous different ways; I went through traumas that effected me mentally; I had poor self-esteem and didn’t believe that I mattered all that much which affected my mental state and my body and the choices I would make; I wasn’t allowed the opportunity to explore my feelings and emotions in a healthy manner; I didn’t have anyone who showed me or taught me how important all emotions are and how they are natural and good and that there are healthy and positive ways to be with, handle and deal with my emotions, instead of just shoving them aside and down, deeper and deeper. And all of it just led to more tension and deeper rooted hurts.
The tension and the unresolved and undealt with hurts led to many destructive behaviours and ill-informed choices over the years. I didn’t realize when I was young how my belief of not being wanted led to my social anxiety, and then as I grew older how it affected the types of relationships I chose to enter into. I didn’t realize how my food sensitivities caused brain fog, low mood, and gut issues – and how the gut issues then actually affected my brain function. I didn’t realize then how my thinking was affecting the choices I would make. I didn’t realize then how the food choices I was making also had a negative impact on my hormones, which caused painful, angry periods and PMS. I didn’t realize how my heavy and painful periods were in part due to stagnation, which was linked to both a physical and mental way of being. I am blood type O negative, and according to Dr. Peter J. D’Adamo, who is known for The Blood Type Diet and his research around blood types, I thrive off of high cardio, which I wasn’t doing on a regular and consistent basis they way my body was probably calling out for, which covers the physical stagnation. And then mentally and emotionally, I wasn’t speaking my truth, I may not of known how, but the fact remains I was holding in my feelings and emotions, which then manifested physically through my monthly cycle. I didn’t realize then how my decision to move away was me just running from my life. I didn’t realize then how much of a negative impact my choice to go on depo provera, the birth control shot, was going to have on my life: physically, hormonally, mentally and emotionally, and that it would have long lasting effects. I didn’t realize then how my unmet needs, my diet, my shoved-down feelings, my lack of proper exercise, my lack of connection, and more, were all linked to my intense postpartum depression I had with my second child. As you can see, I could go on for quite some time here with all the many realizations I didn’t have back then about how interconnected everything in my life truly was, and still is. And, I would venture to guess the same would be true for you as well if you took the time to sit down, be honest with yourself and really examine your life and the many parts & events that took place.
I don’t quite remember when I really began to think about or notice it, but I know there’s always been something “off” and I’ve vacillated between thinking there’s got to be some help for me and, this is the way I’ve always been and always will be. The interesting thing is, I remember moments of seeking out help, several times. I remember going to my first naturopath and being told to add 2 tablespoons of ground flax on my oatmeal in the morning and to take some homeopathic medicine. It didn’t fix my hormones nor the severity of my PMS. And then I remember going to see a new counsellor because I was so tired of being angry and “tired of hating people.” It helped in many areas, and I still recommend her, however it didn’t clear up all my health concerns. There was a time in my life when I was going to the gym 6 days a week, and yet I still struggled with painful and heavy periods. As I look back on these experiences, I notice and reflect on how I wasn’t truly addressing myself as a whole being, rather I was separating myself into pieces, like many of us do, and like many doctors do as well. I believe by doing this, we don’t ever get the true healing required to live out who we were truly created to be.
In my last post I shared with you about my struggle with premenstrual syndrome symptoms and my cycle and the different ways they are affecting my life. Well the good news is, while I haven’t completely healed {yet}, I have tried many things and have learnt a lot about what truly does help and what doesn’t. And I don’t think I can stress this enough, it’s all interconnected: our physical health, our emotional health, our mental health, our spiritual health. And so, in order for full healing to happen, each area needs to be looked at and addressed. For some, more emphasis will need to be placed on some areas than others, however in the end, each area needs to be looked at and action will need to be taken.
So for me, my story just isn’t about my PMS and cycle concerns. There’s a much larger picture, as there is for you as well. I shared in one of my previous posts about how I had postpartum depression with my second child, which honestly, was just a deepening depression I had already had, and you can find that journey here. Going through postpartum depression wasn’t easy, it was painful and life-taking, however I made it through, by changing a lot of things in my life, and I wound up victorious…for a time being. While I haven’t regressed to the worst I have ever had, there are moments when I still struggle with low mood, depressive thoughts, anxiety and more. It’s been a cycle of ups and downs. And through it all, I’ve learned a lot.
Personally, there are many different things I have tried in order to get a handle on my PMS and cycle symptoms. Everything from a variety of supplements, exercise, chiropractic care, diet and lifestyle choices. Now, in full disclosure, there are some I am waaay better at than others, like following a clean diet and taking supplements, versus staying on top of my stress-management techniques I know are useful. At moments it hasn’t been the simplest thing to figure out what’s going on, what I need to change, what works and what doesn’t, but one thing I am learning from it, which is something my practice coach from my IPE training said to me one time is, don’t give up on things that work. I try a lot of things, I learn a lot of things, I have a lot of interests, and I enjoy trying and learning and doing a lot of things; it sometimes has it’s drawbacks, however it’s a part of me, and so I’m OK with it. At the same time, there truly is something to be said for actually sticking to what works. It’s also becoming increasingly clear that it is never just one thing, and to fully heal, numerous areas of our life need to be addressed. I am beginning to truly see this much, much more clearly in my own life, as well as in many lives around me. We’re interconnected beings who need to take an interconnected approach to our lives.
Looking back on everything I realized how, for so long, I wasn’t grateful for what I had gone through and what I was going through; I would question a lot and be so angry. But now, instead of hating my journey and despising all I’ve gone through, I’m learning to reframe it and to ask, Lord, how do you want to use my story for benefit? How do I turn my story into good? What is the good from in and from my story? How can I grow from my story? Because there are a lot of others out there who struggle just I like have, some less, some more, and instead of hating my story I’d rather educate and share and help others realize the truth about how we’re designed to be. I believe I’ve been looking at my story all wrong; I’d venture to guess most of us have and do. So instead of continuing to live in my past and dwell on what isn’t or what wasn’t, I’m here to learn and let go, and move forward. We are truly not meant to live in chronic states of upset, chronic states of dis-ease, and for me, I firmly believe over-the-counter, prescription medications are not the answer and shouldn’t ever be our first go-to. So in my next post I’m going to be sharing about how to naturally help our cycles be more of what they’re actually meant to be like, rather than what we’ve come to know as the new normal. I hope you’ll join me, and trust, if you’re experiencing symptoms which are now labelled as “normal,” there’s not only hope, but healing for you (and me).
Did you miss the beginning of the story? Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
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