I just finished listening to Daring Greatly by Brené Brown; if you haven’t read it or listened to the audio version, I highly recommend it. The subtitle for the book is: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Honestly, I was only in the introduction when I began thinking, why have I not read this sooner?! And how this book will probably become a favourite and I will actually re-read this book, several times {which is rare for me, because well, books!} Perhaps if I had read this sooner I would be a lot farther along in, well, many areas of my life. And then again, there’s a part of me that believes we get what we need when we need it, and when we’re ready to receive it. I think perhaps if I had actually read this book earlier I may not have fully understood the power of it, and I may not have been ready to let go of some of the armour I cling so tightly to.
But in reading {or rather, listening to} this book, I have begun to wonder how much sharing is appropriate sharing, and what is actually wise to share and what isn’t. And also, what’s the point of my sharing?
Thinking about these questions has been good for me to reflect on how personal I want to get with, not only my health challenge, but really with my life. Whi
le I have been known to share parts of my story in-depth with some, I don’t believe anyone would call me an “open book” by any means, which interestingly enough I believe has led some to have some very big misconceptions about myself and my life. So while it is natural for me to keep most things to myself and not share with whomever wants to read my writings, I do believe there is power in being vulnerable and sharing with others the deeper, more hidden parts of our story.
And so, I believe I’m choosing to share for several reasons. I am choosing to share this part of my story to let others know they are not alone. I am choosing to share this part of my story to let others know there is no shame. I am choosing to share this part of my story to let others know there is help and healing awaiting them too. I am choosing to share this part of my story to release the power shame and fear have been holding over me.
So here is a part of my story. May you find encouragement if you need it. May you find hope if you need it. May you find relief knowing you’re not alone if you need it. May you find courage if you need it.
I want to start by saying, I understand that when it comes to premenstrual syndrome {PMS} and the female menstrual cycle some women suffer more severe symptoms than I do, some less, and symptoms can vary from woman to woman. I also know and understand that there are most certainly some changes that happen to us because we are experiencing hormonal changes in our body, so some changes are to be expected. However, I personally believe, we aren’t meant to suffer with our PMS symptoms. If our symptoms are so bad they are interfering with our life, they are not normal. But I’ll get into that a bit more later.
When my youngest was around 12 months old my cycle returned, and it returned full-on, and I’ve been trying to “figure” it out now for that past 15 months. It hasn’t been easy. It’s been hard and stressful and painful. It’s been frustrating and has caused me to cry more times than I care to admit. I have wondered why I haven’t been able to heal myself; why everything is so severe despite certain aspects of my lifestyle; why God won’t just take it away.
When my cycle first returned I knew that I needed to get help as soon as I could because for me, the days leading up to my cycle I was (am) angry, irritable, moody, had a low mood and each month everything was getting worse. These were (are) the symptoms that were (are) the most concerning for me because they not only were obviously affecting myself, but they are clearly things that affect my family as well – kids, husband, dog and all. Some other symptoms were (are) being hungry all the time, food cravings, really dry hands, back pain, bloating and water retention, being tired, not wanting to be touched at all, the “need” to be alone as much as possible and being sensitive to noises; plus a few more. I am grateful I no longer throw up or have severe cramping, because are just no fun at all. I chose to see a local naturopathic doctor in town, and I saw her for the better part of a year; my experience was both positive and in some ways, negative as well. I was, in some ways, an anomaly for her. My diet was good and she wasn’t sure what to make of my hormone test we did. While working with the naturopath I kept food and mood journals, worked on relaxing and continuing to move my body as well as experimenting with supplementation. Unfortunately, oftentimes, supplements that are known to be good and helpful for PMS and the menstrual cycle just didn’t work for me. And I had great moments of consistently moving my body, which helped a lot with my back pain, however, more recently since the fatigue has worsened, a lot, its been hard to get back into consistent movement and when I do move, I rarely feel energized.
This past week I was at the beginning of my PMS and I was trying a variety of methods to help lessen my symptoms. The other morning I could barely climb out of bed, which is a necessity when you’ve got three kids 5 and under. I woke up with a headache, could barely open my eyes, felt like my body was dead-weight, wondered how I was going to make it while trying to give myself a good pep-talk with some positive self talk: “you can do this; you’ve got to do this; you’re OK; you’re going to make it; just keep it simple today…”
The severity of my PMS has gone in waves. I have some general symptoms, and then some that come and go depending on my month. These past few months while some symptoms have cleared up a bit, others have worsened, like my fatigue and headaches. While my back pain is no longer crazy intense, I am chronically tired and foggy for the week prior and a fair amount of the week itself. And I’ve gotten testing done to see what might be going on in regards to my fatigue and, according to the general medical doctor’s interpretations of the tests, I’m in “normal” ranges and perhaps I just need to “consider counselling.” Yep. My iron tests are so low they’re borderline deficient and my platelet count is so low that if it dropped anymore they’d be doing something {like making a suggestion to take an iron supplement…}, but I just might need counselling. Something I find interesting is I’ve struggled with iron concerns for as far back as I can remember, and while I’ve since figured out a couple of things that were blocking the absorption in my body, I’m still struggling with and not finding help from my doctors. Why isn’t my body absorbing iron, despite taking iron supplements, eating iron-rich foods, cutting out coffee, gluten and even grains out of my diet, as well as doing things to help my liver?
As I sit here right now, thinking about how I often vacillate between, maybe I’m not doing enough to figure it out, and what else can I do right now? I think about the things that I could be improving upon and how maybe I’m just using these things as excuses. It’s interesting for me to explore this. Really, what’s an excuse? According to dictionary.com an excuse is “a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offence.” Am I really just using my PMS to excuse my fatigue and mood swings? Am I making my PMS worse than it actually is? What would the reasoning be? Attention? Not having to deal with things? Not facing my fears and insecurities?
I don’t like this way of being. Knowing how much it truly is affecting not just myself, but the lives of those around me. My fatigue has been so bad at times my children have gone from asking why I’m so tired all the time, to saying things like “of course mommy’s tired, she’s always tired.” The other morning my one child, after having been up for a while, said to me “mommy, it’s morning time. It’s time to get up.” And after seeing that she wasn’t making any headway with me disappeared back downstairs. My children don’t know what to expect half the time; they don’t know if their mom is going to lash out or respond gently. It keeps them on edge often. The stress it’s putting on my husband. The fact that one week a month I’m PMSing, one week (actually, 9 days) I’m menstruating and one week I’m trying to recover; it’s exhausting. And so, in my attempts to “get out there” I also hide, I hide from the reality of my life and the feelings I have when I think about being a holistic wellness practitioner who still hasn’t got her own junk figured out.
Oftentimes I feel like since I’ve been trying to heal my PMS symptoms for the past 15 months, and haven’t made much progress with them, it discredits what I have done and what progress I have made as well as me as a practitioner/coach. I know all this information, and yet, I still haven’t healed myself. I’ve done all this research and tried all these things and yet, I still struggle with some nasty symptoms. I also tend to forget, or perhaps choose not to acknowledge, how far I actually have come, the symptoms that have healed and the severity that has lessened. I often need to remind myself how far I’ve come since I first began my menstruating cycle way back in 1997 {20 years ago!} and how the positive lifestyle changes I have made since growing up have made a great impact on my health. I don’t know what my cycle would be like if I hadn’t made all the changes I have made. And in reality, I have learnt and grown over these past 15 months. No, it hasn’t been easy, but I have learnt about things that work and things that don’t work. I have learnt to tune in and listen closer to my own symptoms and body wisdom. I have learnt I am not the only one who suffers AND I will not have to suffer forever if I choose not to. Yes, I may have to keep searching and trying new things to figure out what really works for me and what doesn’t, but I can overcome this so it no longer dictates much of my life. And if you, or someone you know suffers, I want to encourage you as well with the same hope that you too are an overcomer, and you can overcome this. It might not be an easy road, and it might take a few trials & errors, BUT it is possible, and you’re not alone in your journey. And I encourage you to begin to believe there is a message in your symptoms, and I encourage you to begin to tune in and listen to your own symptoms and your own body wisdom.
I want to end today’s post by sharing with you, once again, if you suffer from abnormal PMS and/or menstruating symptoms, you’re not alone, and they are not normal. While yes, things changed after the great “Fall” and we now suffer pain during child-birth, we aren’t meant to suffer great pain during our monthly cycle. It’s a fallacy that’s become normalized that women should have lots of cramping, crazy mood swings and a whole host of other symptoms which join her every month. And I would like to leave you with two resources, one which has greatly impacted my life and the other I am currently tuning into:
- Balance Your Hormones, Balance Your life: Achieving Optimal Health and Wellness through Ayurveda, Chinese Medicine, and Western Science by Dr. Claudia Welch, MSOM
- This book has provided me with much insight into understanding women’s hormones, and really helped confirm my belief more that what we do, what we consume, what we hold on to, who we hang out with, and more, is all connected.
- The Red Circle Summit: End the Taboo Change the World
- This summit is currently happening now, it started May 26, is on day 4 and I am not entirely sure when it ends. I’ve enjoyed learning more about the female body from a variety of aspects, and it’s been nice to know I am not alone, and there is more healing out there for myself as well.
Thankfully, it’s not the entire month that I am down on myself and am moody and irritable and struggling to make it through the day. The week or so when I’m not PMSing, menstruating or recovering I’m feeling fairly good. I’m happy and joyful and snuggle my kids lots and will put in a lot more effort to moving my body and am fairly consistent with taking supplements that I know are beneficial for me and thankfully, I am not who I was yesterday. There are many things I have done which have helped me overcome and grow greatly in many other areas of my life as well as with my monthly cycle since I was young, and I tend to disregard this growth and overcoming too much. But, praise the Lord, I am not who I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will be a little bit more of who God created me to be, in body, in mind and in soul. I would venture to guess the same is true for you also.
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